Can you recall your earliest memory? — My earliest memory is from my Pre-K classroom. Growing up, I was not what someone would refer to as a normal child. I was overly timid, unable to manage emotions properly, had extreme crying outbursts without apparent reason, really a completely weird and awkward child. Because of such behaviors, my pediatrician recommended to my mother (because dad was always absent) that perhaps I should attend Pre-K. In most Latin American countries’ Pre-K is not necessarily a requirement and is often seen as daycare more than anything. In Pre-K, my earliest memory. It’s blurry, but I still remember. The teacher had passed out a drawing of a duck. We were then instructed to grab a yellow crayon and begin to “contour” the picture with the yellow crayon. I had never heard such a word before, so I assumed that “contour” was just an adult word for coloring. Long story short, she rapidly noticed that I was coloring and not contouring, she then quickly and aggressively pulled the duck drawing from under my hands and left with an attitude and no explanation. I was left in an emotional frenzy with so much internal emotional conflict, and a sequence of sensitive traumas that will eventually deploy a series of unfortunate and hurtful events in my life.
As I grew older, it became apparent that my athletic abilities were a lot more than just normal, and my artistic expression was not executed with crayons, but rather musical instruments. This phenomenon developed an unintended layer of resiliency that protected me from divorced parents, unstable households, and religious trauma. My mom was a devoted Catholic. I attended a Catholic school while my parents were together. After my parents divorced, I went to live with my dad, who spiraled out of control in his life, and began to cling to the cultish Seventh Day Adventist Church, thus deciding that it was best for me to stop going to Catholic school, and instead, attend The Seventh Day Adventist School. In a blink, I stopped being forced to go to church on Sundays for an hour and was now being forced to go to church on Saturdays for the entire day.
As time went by, I found myself at 18 years old, in The United States, a student at a community college.
As your stereotypical broke college student, on my own, and without any parental guidance, I struggled a lot. I was a waiter in college. Late nights at the job and early mornings with essays and assignments that were barely completed in time for class, became my everyday life. During one of those difficult days, when life decided to add a bit of extra spice to it, I met Pastor Richard Hogue, and his wife Marylin Hogue. They became regulars at my job and gave me a bit of fresh air and words of wisdom and encouragement. One day, of course, as you figured it was coming, they invited me to their church. Yes, I was hesitant, in fact, very reluctant, but in the end I agreed. It was the first time I had gone to church out of my own will. Pastor Hogue’s message…Amazing! I came out of there inspired and motivated. I left all my religious prejudices behind and became a somewhat sporadic regular at Pastor Hogue’s Evangelical Pentecostal Church. One day, also at my job, I was approached by another one of my regulars who had gotten to know me well and was asked if I could help fill up for his church piano player. I agreed if it was under the understanding that I had no intention of becoming a regular member of any church. And just like that, I was now the piano player at a non-denominational church.
I completed my associate the degree and swiftly received a letter of acceptance at Nazarene University. I began my last two years of undergraduate coursework at a Nazarene University where weekly attendance to the chapel, as well as a bible class, were mandatory. The obligatory aspect triggered childhood traumas, nonetheless, I knew it wasn’t my first rodeo with religion. The Christian University was not as bad as I thought it would be. I met some great professors who made me into the person I am today and enjoyed studying the bible from an academic perspective.
After graduating college, I decided I was finally done with religion. One day, I heard a knock on my door. I answered it and opened the door to a couple of well-dressed polite individuals. They wanted to do a bible study, I asked where they had obtained their degree from, and I thought perhaps we went to the same Christian University, but as it turns out, they had no formal education; not just on the bible, but on anything. No problem at all I said to myself. I have always been a welcoming and respectful individual, and I was not about to make an exception for them. As the bible study went on, I quickly learned they were Jehovah’s Witnesses. What gave them way? Their hesitation to answer straight forward about their denomination, their continuous focus on a very basic God-promised prosperity gospel, and their theology’s quick collapse when they were minimally questioned. I do admire their perseverance. They acknowledged that they lacked the familiarity to continue with the study and asked if they could come back with reinforcements. I said sure; hoping they would never come back again. But as you already know, they did. To this day, I feel bad for what I did. During the second visit, I proceeded to dismantle them, to rescue them from what I had concluded was a cult. After their first visit, I dug deeper into their theology which they refused to address, and discovered a series of unhealthy practices. Practices such as eradication of family relationships with members with different beliefs, intentional lack of education from their leadership, and practice of following blindly what their leadership said without being permitted to think on your own and challenged a bit were being handed down from the top. My effort to save them from the cult didn’t work. It only left them bruised and confused.
Religious Trauma and Its Lifelong Effects
Religious trauma often begins as a deeply ingrained conflict between an individual’s sense of self and the restrictive doctrines or practices imposed by certain religious institutions. This type of trauma can manifest psychologically, emotionally, and even physically. Studies have shown that individuals raised in high-control religions, like the Seventh-day Adventist Church or Jehovah’s Witnesses, may experience feelings of shame, fear, and unworthiness that linger well into adulthood. Practices such as shunning, isolation, and enforced conformity can devastate relationships and personal development.
The effects of religious trauma are profound, influencing one’s ability to trust, form healthy relationships, or make decisions free from guilt. This trauma often remains hidden, only surfacing through struggles with anxiety, depression, or other mental health challenges. The cycle of fear and control perpetuated by these systems can leave people disillusioned and disconnected from themselves and their spirituality.
Finding a New Definition of God
Despite my challenging journey, I’ve found clarity. While my experience with religion has often been disheartening, my belief in God has not faltered—it has evolved. My understanding of God is now closer to Baruch Spinoza’s vision of divinity. Spinoza perceived God not as a being separate from the universe, but as the very fabric of existence itself. Albert Einstein echoed this perspective, stating: “I believe in Spinoza’s God who reveals himself in the orderly harmony of what exists.” To me, the universe is divine, a sacred manifestation of energy, creation, and interconnectedness.
The Divine Chemistry of Life
Take, for instance, the process that powers our very existence: the sun’s nuclear fusion. At its core, the sun fuses hydrogen nuclei into helium through an intense process that releases an enormous amount of energy. This energy travels outward from the sun in the form of photons, which journey approximately eight minutes across the vacuum of space to reach Earth. Once here, this solar energy enables photosynthesis, sustains ecosystems, and fuels every living organism. This intricate dance of energy conversion—from nuclear reactions within a star to life flourishing on Earth—is nothing short of miraculous.
In this process, I see the face of God: an infinite, boundless force that orchestrates harmony and sustains life. The sun’s energy, the molecular transformations it enables, and the life it nurtures embody divinity. To me, this isn’t just science; it is sacred.
A Holy Universe
My spiritual journey has led me to a place where I find God in the orderly, majestic workings of the cosmos. From the smallest atom to the vastness of galaxies, the universe itself is a divine tapestry. It teaches us that we are interconnected, part of something greater, something eternal.
As I close this chapter of reflection, I hope my journey encourages others to seek their truths and embrace the divine in their way. For me, God is not confined to the walls of a church or the pages of scripture. God is the universe—a living, breathing testament to creation, energy, and life.
Citations:
- Einstein’s quote on Spinoza: Einstein Archives Online.
- Religious trauma insights: Winell, M. (2006). Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion.
- Solar energy process: NASA Science – Sun: Fusion and Energy Flow.
